The Hidden Cost of Assumptions in Relationships
- Melissa Londry, LPC
- Jun 10
- 3 min read
Have you ever walked into a room and felt tension only to later discover it stemmed from a simple misunderstanding? Or found yourself reacting to a coworker or loved one based on what you thought they meant, rather than what they actually said?
Assumptions are the stories we tell ourselves in the absence of facts. They're mental shortcuts that our brain thinks is helpful, and while they can feel efficient, they often lead us down the wrong path towards damaging relationships, creating conflict, and eroding trust.
Why Do We Make Assumptions?
Our brains are wired for efficiency. In uncertain situations, we quickly draw conclusions to make sense of the world around us. Unfortunately, these conclusions are often built on limited information, personal biases, and past experiences, not the present reality.
We assume a tone in a text message means someone is upset. We assume a coworker’s silence in a meeting means they’re disinterested. We assume a friend’s lack of response means they’re angry with us.
More often than not, these assumptions are incorrect, but the emotional and relational consequences can be very real.
The Impact of Assumptions on Relationships
In personal relationships, assumptions can:
Lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications
Fuel resentment and hurt feelings
Prevent vulnerability and honest connection
Create emotional distance over time
When we assume instead of asking, we deny others the chance to clarify, explain, or be seen in their full humanity.
Example: You assume your partner is being distant because they’re losing interest, but in reality, they’re overwhelmed at work and don’t know how to ask for help. A gentle question could open the door to connection. An unspoken assumption might lead to unnecessary tension or even conflict.
The Impact on Workplace Culture
In a professional setting, assumptions can:
Foster mistrust between colleagues or leadership
Undermine collaboration and innovation
Lead to inequity and bias in decision-making
Create a culture of fear, disengagement, or burnout
For example, assuming an employee’s performance dip is due to laziness, rather than checking in about their well-being, can damage morale and miss an opportunity for meaningful support.
Workplaces thrive when communication is direct, compassionate, and grounded in curiosity. A culture where people feel safe to ask questions, clarify intentions, and express their needs creates stronger teams and better outcomes.
So What Can We Do Instead?
1. Notice Your Internal Dialogue
Pause when you feel a strong reaction and ask: Am I making an assumption, or do I have all the facts? What information am I missing? What other conversations needs to be had to ask questions and find out more information?
2. Practice Clarifying Communication
Use phrases like:
“Can you help me understand…?”
“I noticed ___ and I wanted to check in before assuming anything.”
“When you said ___, I interpreted it this way. Is that what you meant?”
3. Lead with Curiosity, Not Judgment
Assume positive intent until proven otherwise. Ask questions from a place of genuine interest, not accusation.
4. Slow Down Your Reaction Time
Give yourself space before reacting. That small pause can prevent emotional reactivity and open the door to understanding. Instead of reacting impulsively, reconsider how you can respond in a way in alignment with your values and the person you want to be in relationships.
5. Foster a Culture of Transparency
In relationships and at work, normalize asking questions, offering context, and revisiting miscommunications without blame or shame.
Final Thoughts
Making assumptions is human, but so is choosing to slow down, get curious, and seek clarity. When we stop filling in the blanks with our own fears or projections, we make space for authenticity, empathy, better relationships, and deeper connection.
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