A Letter to the Woman Who is in an Abusive Relationship and Deciding Whether or Not to Leave

To the woman reading this with a tight chest, shaky hands, or a lump in her throat:

I’m writing to you with tenderness, truth, and zero judgment.

Maybe you’ve been hiding the bruises. Maybe the bruises aren’t on your skin at all, but on your self-esteem, your nervous system, your sense of safety, your sense of self. Maybe you’ve been making excuses for him to others… and to yourself. Maybe you’re scrolling quietly right now because you don’t want him to hear the typing or walking or sighing.

If that’s you, I want you to know this first:

You are not alone.

Not for a moment.

Not in your confusion.

Not in your fear.

Not in your hope.

Not in your exhaustion.

Not in your wondering if this time will be different.

This letter is for you, wherever you are in the process of staying, leaving, preparing, or simply trying to survive today.

You are not weak for staying and you are not wrong for thinking about leaving.

Let’s get this out of the way:

There is no shame here.

None.

Research shows that the average survivor leaves an abusive relationship 7–8 times before leaving for good. That’s not because they are weak. It’s because trauma bonds are real, coercive control is powerful, and abusers know exactly how to cycle between harm and “honeymoon” apologies to maintain control.

You might still love him. You might still believe he will change. You might be terrified of what leaving could unleash. You might feel financially trapped, emotionally drained, socially isolated, or spiritually conflicted.

Every single one of those reasons makes sense.

And still, you are allowed to imagine a life where you feel safe. A life where you are not afraid of the person who claims to love you. A life where your nervous system rests. A life where you can breathe again.

What he’s doing is not your fault.

Read that again.

Abusers are skilled at convincing you that:

• “I wouldn’t get this angry if you didn’t…”

• “You make me crazy.”

• “No one else will put up with you.”

• “You always push my buttons.”

• “It wasn’t that bad.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “I only acted like that because I love you so much.”

These are not apologies.

These are tactics.

They are the tools of manipulation used to keep you confused, responsible for his behavior, and emotionally tethered to his chaos. Violence is never your fault. Control is never your fault. Isolation is never your fault. Threats are never your fault. Fear is never your fault. You deserve a relationship that does not require you to shrink, silence yourself, or live on edge.

Your body already knows the truth.

Even when your mind argues with itself…

Even when you tell yourself it’s “not that bad”…

Even when you replay his good days to justify the bad ones…

Your body knows.

The knot in your stomach. The dread when you hear his car door shut. The way you rehearse conversations in your head. The freezing. The fawning. The apologizing for things you didn’t do. The exhaustion that feels ancient.

Your nervous system is speaking. Not to shame you, but to protect you.

Leaving is not an event; it’s a process.

And you get to move at the pace that feels safe for you.

For some women, leaving is a series of tiny, brave steps:

• saving a little money

• gathering documents

• talking to a trusted friend

• creating a safety plan

• attending therapy

• recognizing the patterns

• building internal strength

• imagining a future where they are free

For others, it happens in one decisive moment...the moment they realize:

“I don’t need more proof. I already have all the proof I need.”

Both are valid. Both are courageous.

You do not owe anyone an explanation for how long you stay or how you choose to go.

If you stay today, I will not judge you. If you leave tomorrow, I will cheer for you.

Your worth does not diminish because of this relationship. Your intelligence is not erased by trauma. Your future is not ruined because someone harmed you.

You can rebuild. You can recover. Your identity can grow beyond these years. Your story does not end inside the walls of a relationship that hurts you.

You are allowed to choose yourself, even if he never chooses the best version of himself.

When you are ready to leave an abusive relationship, here are steps that increase safety:

1. Tell one safe person.

A friend, therapist, coworker, neighbor or someone who can help you think clearly and compassionately.

2. Document everything.

Even if you never use it, screenshots, photos, dates, messages. These protect you if things escalate.

3. Create a discreet safety plan.

This includes:

• where to go in an emergency

• who to call

• what items you need

• safe words with friends/kids

• an exit strategy

  
  

(Your therapist can help you build one privately and safely.)

4. Reach out to local or national resources.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)Text: START to 88788

This hotline does not pressure you to leave. Its purpose is to help you stay safe... whatever “safe” means for you right now.

There is a version of your life beyond this.

And she is waiting for you.

She laughs without fear.

She sleeps through the night.

She trusts her intuition again.

She remembers who she is.

She looks in the mirror and sees someone resilient, not ruined.

She surrounds herself with people who love without hurting.

You may not believe it yet, but she exists.

And every moment you spend listening to yourself, protecting yourself, and caring for yourself…you get closer to her.

If no one has told you this yet today:

You are brave.

You are worthy.

You deserve safety.

You deserve peace.

You deserve tenderness.

You deserve someone who never confuses love with control.

If you are not ready to leave, that’s okay.

If you are preparing to leave, that’s courageous.

If you have already left, that’s powerful.

No matter where you stand today, your story is not defined by the person who harmed you. It is defined by the strength it takes to protect your future self.

And you, dear woman reading this, are stronger than you know.